Up til 3am again
I opened that box for the first time in a long time tonight after our conversation yesterday, and I put on your promise ring and I cried again when I looked at all your letters and the pressed clovers and the photographs that you had developed that hung on my wall for years. I lost my balance for a moment but soon came to, it happens much quicker now- my contentment.
It’s pointless to keep torturing myself with wondering how I lost such a person.
I should be glad you did love me whole heartedly once, and you did belong to me. I am glad.
You told me you would never love a person again because it will limit you…in a way that frightened me but also flattered me. I see your philosophy, it makes sense, it could be very accurate. But I don’t believe you really, I do think you will fall in love again with a person. I just want that person to be me. Silly to crave a position that you may think isn’t fitting. But I don’t accept it, my love has proven stronger-it is right for you.
You’re hiding from me through your philosophy, your united state of mind, you’ve shut my love out, want nothing that I have to offer.. I do not blame you, I want you to focus. I have so much to give though, to myself and to my lover- a life time of loyalty, admiration, encouragement, FUN! & my womanness desires only one man destined for greatness-you. We would have fun getting to know eachother again one day, our clever heads bouncing off the other like never before, never with any one else. You and I are compatible.
So I’ve settled it in my weary mind… I’m through with being jealous-that truly is my deepest issue-my horrible green eye to all the girls who get to enjoy your humor, style, scent, your hands… Oh it was you all along, I always knew I could never let my heart lose it’s grip on you. But I know my worth, I will not let another woman make me feel worthless, I know I am the best I can be. & You deserve me. I have to make you see some how that I am fine without you, I can flourish without you, however, I want you to see also that I’d let you rule your own world, you would be free in your passions our passion together and you would have me as your woman, there to seduce you & challenge you. I want to imagine it and fantasize about our laughter, our children. I’m screwed up regardless, twisted from a youth devoted to you and my dreams of the future that once seemed so stable. I still enjoy my fantasy more than reality. But It won’t matter if none of it comes true, because then that’ll just mean I will be proven wrong in the most glorious way-to be found instead of to find, you. I’m ready to let fate take over. I don’t wanna go lookin for you baby, though irony keeps making a fool out if me, I chase after you. I want you to come find me. One day again. Come back to me into my arms let me hold you and stroke you, let me kiss you and suck you, I want to, I want to be the one you can trust with your heart- don’t be scared, you won’t lose yourself in me.. I won’t lose myself in you. We’ve done that already and it hurt us both and we didn’t realize what we were doing over the years, oh but now NOW it’s all different and I’ve grown even more in love with you, my fantasy.. I sound insane don’t I? Kinda pathetic and romantic… It doesn’t win you over though, you’ve built a stone wall to keep me out. But I’m always sincere, I’m being honest, you told me I was pure. I want to sneak back into you. My love for you is pure and real. It is the most dangerous and captivating thing- I have this hope, and it calms me…like ice on a feverish head, I’m so hot for you, and you know how to cool me, you’re so smooth you’re so gentle, you are kind and I know you do love me for telling you how I feel. I want you to know, I cannot hide it and if I tried to it would ruin me. I have faith in us still, it shimmers across my eyes like sun rays on a pond, glistening ripples of reflected light, I am the water and you dance on me, my only sunshine.
I am not remembering you anymore, because the new you is far more interesting to illustrate in my mind. I have a figure I can touch in my sleep, he yearns for my lips and he feels my body moving, he breathes me in and he smells my hair. He picks me up in his arms and carries me up towards the moon and stars, he tells me I’m his gem and he loves me, as a person, he sees who I am without him and it makes him proud to know my soul is connected to his in such a way that sets us free.
I go on and on, so many ideas…
I melt at your feet and you step right on me..just walk right over me.. It’s the worst feeling… But I excuse you as I evaporate and pour myself back over you in hopes I’ll drench you with new knowledge, so you’ll finally stop taking me for granted. (Oh so sappy uhg )
But there is no force of power in this all, what I’ve said is all out of unconditional & wishfully tamed love for you. You must take me.. We must proceed with our paths in life. I don’t feel empty anymore, I feel confident and humbled.
I understand. I’m happy for myself. I have it all in me, I am full of energy & pulse, I am my own being. It’s simple how I feel about everything - I want to smile with and without you. Smile at me now as you read.
There goes my baaayyybeee oo there he go … I know it’s you. It’s gotta be me & you.
But another part of me says don’t you dare say such a thing, something that only the universe knows, I will never know exactly what it is that splits me this way.. I just know I love you from the deepest depths of my entire essence, you are my first love, you are engraved into my skin. I want to belong to myself first but I want to belong to you too; why not, why not?
I won’t settle for anything less than how I feel when I write your name: Travis Lamont - I know that name
And now you call yourself ‘H’
My middle initial.. - you know my name. We’re the originals, We should make it in the end. I will sleep peacefully now… Though we’re drifting away from eachother.. Oh *sigh but the earth is round and we’re bound to crash our ships and sink together.. But then again the ocean is vast, we might sail right past the other with our sails set on different currents… But it brings me peace to understand the balance now… And I can finally sleep.