Up til 3am again
I opened that box for the first time in a long time tonight after our conversation yesterday, and I put on your promise ring and I cried again when I looked at all your letters and the pressed clovers and the photographs that you had developed that hung on my wall for years. I lost my balance for a moment but soon came to, it happens much quicker now- my contentment.
It’s pointless to keep torturing myself with wondering how I lost such a person.
I should be glad you did love me whole heartedly once, and you did belong to me. I am glad.
You told me you would never love a person again because it will limit you…in a way that frightened me but also flattered me. I see your philosophy, it makes sense, it could be very accurate. But I don’t believe you really, I do think you will fall in love again with a person. I just want that person to be me. Silly to crave a position that you may think isn’t fitting. But I don’t accept it, my love has proven stronger-it is right for you.
You’re hiding from me through your philosophy, your united state of mind, you’ve shut my love out, want nothing that I have to offer.. I do not blame you, I want you to focus. I have so much to give though, to myself and to my lover- a life time of loyalty, admiration, encouragement, FUN! & my womanness desires only one man destined for greatness-you. We would have fun getting to know eachother again one day, our clever heads bouncing off the other like never before, never with any one else. You and I are compatible.
So I’ve settled it in my weary mind… I’m through with being jealous-that truly is my deepest issue-my horrible green eye to all the girls who get to enjoy your humor, style, scent, your hands… Oh it was you all along, I always knew I could never let my heart lose it’s grip on you. But I know my worth, I will not let another woman make me feel worthless, I know I am the best I can be. & You deserve me. I have to make you see some how that I am fine without you, I can flourish without you, however, I want you to see also that I’d let you rule your own world, you would be free in your passions our passion together and you would have me as your woman, there to seduce you & challenge you. I want to imagine it and fantasize about our laughter, our children. I’m screwed up regardless, twisted from a youth devoted to you and my dreams of the future that once seemed so stable. I still enjoy my fantasy more than reality. But It won’t matter if none of it comes true, because then that’ll just mean I will be proven wrong in the most glorious way-to be found instead of to find, you. I’m ready to let fate take over. I don’t wanna go lookin for you baby, though irony keeps making a fool out if me, I chase after you. I want you to come find me. One day again. Come back to me into my arms let me hold you and stroke you, let me kiss you and suck you, I want to, I want to be the one you can trust with your heart- don’t be scared, you won’t lose yourself in me.. I won’t lose myself in you. We’ve done that already and it hurt us both and we didn’t realize what we were doing over the years, oh but now NOW it’s all different and I’ve grown even more in love with you, my fantasy.. I sound insane don’t I? Kinda pathetic and romantic… It doesn’t win you over though, you’ve built a stone wall to keep me out. But I’m always sincere, I’m being honest, you told me I was pure. I want to sneak back into you. My love for you is pure and real. It is the most dangerous and captivating thing- I have this hope, and it calms me…like ice on a feverish head, I’m so hot for you, and you know how to cool me, you’re so smooth you’re so gentle, you are kind and I know you do love me for telling you how I feel. I want you to know, I cannot hide it and if I tried to it would ruin me. I have faith in us still, it shimmers across my eyes like sun rays on a pond, glistening ripples of reflected light, I am the water and you dance on me, my only sunshine.
I am not remembering you anymore, because the new you is far more interesting to illustrate in my mind. I have a figure I can touch in my sleep, he yearns for my lips and he feels my body moving, he breathes me in and he smells my hair. He picks me up in his arms and carries me up towards the moon and stars, he tells me I’m his gem and he loves me, as a person, he sees who I am without him and it makes him proud to know my soul is connected to his in such a way that sets us free.
I go on and on, so many ideas…
I melt at your feet and you step right on me..just walk right over me.. It’s the worst feeling… But I excuse you as I evaporate and pour myself back over you in hopes I’ll drench you with new knowledge, so you’ll finally stop taking me for granted. (Oh so sappy uhg )
But there is no force of power in this all, what I’ve said is all out of unconditional & wishfully tamed love for you. You must take me.. We must proceed with our paths in life. I don’t feel empty anymore, I feel confident and humbled.
I understand. I’m happy for myself. I have it all in me, I am full of energy & pulse, I am my own being. It’s simple how I feel about everything - I want to smile with and without you. Smile at me now as you read.
There goes my baaayyybeee oo there he go … I know it’s you. It’s gotta be me & you.
But another part of me says don’t you dare say such a thing, something that only the universe knows, I will never know exactly what it is that splits me this way.. I just know I love you from the deepest depths of my entire essence, you are my first love, you are engraved into my skin. I want to belong to myself first but I want to belong to you too; why not, why not?
I won’t settle for anything less than how I feel when I write your name: Travis Lamont - I know that name
And now you call yourself ‘H’
My middle initial.. - you know my name. We’re the originals, We should make it in the end. I will sleep peacefully now… Though we’re drifting away from eachother.. Oh *sigh but the earth is round and we’re bound to crash our ships and sink together.. But then again the ocean is vast, we might sail right past the other with our sails set on different currents… But it brings me peace to understand the balance now… And I can finally sleep.
I am totally unhappy
so unhappy,
I’ve reminded myself
There is nothing
There is no hope
And I’m totally
empty…
I wrote about you again, I did.
I told the paper we were meant to be together, that we were meant to be apart.
I held the paper up towards my window and saw right through it.
The words were dissolved by the sun, and became almost invisible.
For me though, it was not hard to read.
It’s so silent here,
I feel so sick to my stomach,
Drinking hot tea and petting my lab, he knows I’m upset.
I can’t believe your hubris - you think you’re so thoughtful, to ask me if I’m doing well, now, I don’t need to hear from you; making a mockery of my loneliness by invading the space you pushed me into apart from you.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
I clench my jaw and squeeze my eyes shut,
I don’t want to cry over you anymore,
You heartless bastard, I gave you all my love.
And what did you do with it?
You lost it all around the city, in sidewalk cracks and broken glass bottles, scattered among piles of fallen leaves,
I find pieces of it in reflected light, in shadows cast from trees,
Stinging my lips - forlorn blown kisses, still floating in the biting wind, that never found their way to your mouth.
Instead I tie them to rocks, throw them into the water and let them sink,
I let the river bed collect all my gifts, you never deserved to be given.
All the poetry we wrote, after 4 years,
Turned to ash in 4 minutes.
I’ve never hated myself so much,
To know how much I’ve wasted from calling myself yours.
No, you will never understand what you’ve done to me, because you never once held my crying face in your shaking palms, to bring my eyes up into yours and tell me you loved me deeply; no never with tenderness did you tell me you belonged to me.
I was a flower you picked and smelled, then threw to the ground.
You left me to rot, or to flourish.
To care for yourself and your items, to remake yourself.
Once, you told me you’d never deny me - that was your greatest lie.
I know you remember, how I used to love you so dearly, can you still feel my enraptured body? Oh how I thought we fit so well together; and I hope this burns through your thick skull.
I am better without you, though I will never be as good as I once was, when I was with you… I am aware.
I am not as delusional, the pain has molded me, made me a gem.
I am not starting over, my name will not change.
But you have no clue who I am, and I do not want you to ever know me again.
It has to be this way.
I just want to be distracted with my life,
Too distracted to notice things that make me feel low.
I’ll have many things and reasons to feel good about myself, and I’ll get them all by myself.
But in time, I want a person
That makes me feel alive
And doesn’t want to have sex too soon
Just wants to laugh and feed me
And will be okay with my farts
That will wrestle with me
Then kiss me all over my cheeks
Until I’m red
I just wish he could be handsome
And have style and clean teeth
His hands would be warm and he’d like to drink hot tea and coffee with me
And then he’d be able to pick me up and carry me like a baby
Into the bathroom, and he’d undress me slowly
And then we’d shower together
But he would only hold me from behind and the water would be on us
And I’d watch his arms move down my shoulders, and I’d kiss his hands and he’d bite my neck,
I want to give him erections
Just by smiling
And my nipples would get hard just from his scent
And he’d know about my sadness
And he’d cry when I told him how much I’ve been hurting
And I’d cry just by opening myself up to him, but he’d put both his palms on my face and I’d see his eyes wide open to take all of me in,
And he would love me then, for having a big nose,
He’d tell me he’d do anything to make us work,
But I’d tell him, we’ll never be a job
And it’d be effortless, the way we’d argue and then realize we wanted
the same thing,
It would be beautiful
And I would finally be okay
After being alone and understanding myself
He would find me at the right time
And I wouldn’t say no,
Because his vibes would be so strong
And he would sense my spirit,
We would be like magnets,
When we first hold hands
I wouldn’t compare it to anything
And I wouldn’t miss anyone
Because I’d be filled with so much joy
And nothing and no one could ever replace me to him,
I would be right for him,
And he would want me forever,
And he wouldn’t give up or be curious
There would be flowers and dark chocolates and pink sparkly socks,
He would ask me to come with him scuba diving and we would take pictures of the bubbles
And I would see the fish
And remember for one second
The one who let me go, to swim around in the world,
But while I’ve swam around and learned my lessons,
I still wanted you, until I finally realized I wanted myself more,
And then I’d look at the fish again and admire them for their colors
And after floating back up, he would help me onto the boat
Then we’d rock the boat
And lay in the sun for a while
Until my hair turned bright gold
And he would touch me softly and put his lips next to my ear
And tell me my name was his favorite word
He’d look at me and say my eyes were greener than the sea
And I would blush and be speechless
I’d be thinking to myself
How this is why my heart had to break
And how if you ever saw me so happy with myself
And how happy someone else could make me
And how my happiness is worth more, it could have been worth your while,
You’ll be the one shedding the….nah I won’t say it. I’m better than that.
My soul will find peace, I will radiate with love.
And there would be no more crying over you,
I’ll be too distracted with my life.
All I wanna do
Is write about how shitty I feel
About all my problems
And questions
And about why I’m angry
And envious
And bitter
And depressed
And how I have no hope or faith
Or friends to see
No plans or ideas
Just me and my big empty head space
Always alone in this big empty room space
Where it’s cold and dark
And all I have is my dog
And the scarf around my neck
And the music in my headphones
That’s starting to get old, so I turn it off
And I’m feeling old and I’m so turned off
And boring
And lonely
It’s quiet now
I talk to myself
I don’t remember when the last time I laughed genuinely
Nobody who reads this will care genuinely
About what’s going on in my mind
And they couldn’t help me anyway
I have nothing else to do or be
Nothing else I want more
Nothing that fills me with positivity
I try but I falter every time
Back to saying
I’m negative,
Going down getting worse
Dry and lost
Heavy and ill
Disgusted and ashamed
Numb and aware
Of how much I still feel
And all I wanna say
And how it won’t matter
I’d just bring you down
With me
But what if you could bring me up
Go back to the top again.
Is love you
I’m not any of this
I’m so much more, better than this
I’m still searching for myself, for what matters in all of this
Stuff called meaning and life,
How could this be, is this really
who I am apart from you…
Why do I keep falling apart.
When will I be happy?
The answer:
When all I wanna do is love me.
You are
Basking
In your wicket gratification
Receiving a sick satisfaction
Feeling a twisted pleasure
In knowing
How I have been weak.
Have been weak.
I’m sure
I am much stronger, wiser
Than you
Now.
I don’t need to do what you are doing.
I don’t need to keep up with what you are doing.
I did it because
In my naive mind
You, this sweet angel, my hero, my baby,
Would be admiring me from a distance.
You would read me like you used to and still write about me.
It is such an experience to learn from, this complete, cold, cut.
You just STOPPED.
And this is it.
I have to stop now too.
To myself, I think
It’s all just history now.
All of my thoughts.
All of your thoughts.
Please let me sleep
Let me be
Oh my God please
Help me
I’m not going to cry
You don’t even follow me anymore
You won’t read this
You won’t know or care
That I’m still
Thinking of you
Why did you never have anything to say to me?
You used to have so much to say to me.
Where did we go wrong?
When did we stop holding hands?
I needed you to need me a little
I always had so much to say, I told you I needed you.
These were thoughts I should have kept to myself.
I could be sleeping.
I have plans this weekend.
I am going to get past this soon.
I’m going to stop looking at your accounts soon.
I’m going to be focused solely on myself soon.
I’m going to leave soon,
I won’t even tell you where I’m going, and you won’t receive a postcard.
I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.
I have to talk to myself
Here,
It’s the only way I can process
My deepest fears and pains
You and your whereabouts
Your interests and significant others,
I never ever thought it’d be me in this place,
Constantly obsessing and pining, always guessing and pulling.
Why am I crazy about you?
You were only my first love.
I have more important desires, dreams, skills.
It’s time for me now,
To sleep.
My thoughts become dreams
That I won’t even remember.
My skin crawls
My whole body develops a heat that burns my chest and face, it travels through my hands and my eyes begin to shake.
…I cannot look.
I cannot look.
I have to stop myself
From looking at your most recent activity.
It is exactly like an addiction
With grave withdrawal effects
All the horrible feelings that are in so many songs
I feel them all at once.
But they simmer slowly, decreasing.
I have a fresh smile
A fresh perception
All I have to do is stick to it.
Stick to ME.
God.. Oh God, but when it hits me, it still hits me so hard.
The thin new skin covering this wound is liable to tear. It rips open as soon as I let my eyes wander.
But I know deep, deep in my soul
What I must do,
What is required of me, to help me.
I am feeling so wonderful.
You cannot and will not take this away from me.
…you didn’t even say hello to me today.
We walked past each other like complete strangers.
But you know what?
I want it that way.
That was the last time
I ever
(I mean it)
I ever, ever
Give my energy,
Allowing myself to ooze and burn
For that human being.
My decision is solid as hardened lava.
I will erupt again
There are fires boiling deep within my core.
But now, (now that I mean it)
I will gracefully remain dormant.
Until the earth rumbles and churns me, once again,
When, then, I will be ready to flow,
For love
(I am living my life
Writing for myself)
Knowing a secret;
Knowing a universal secret;
That was the last
LAST
Very last time.
Thank you for being honest, but I will never be too honest with you again.
…all this.
For him.
All this just for a man.
Lili,
Yo Lili like really,
Move on.
Yeah. Ohhhhh yeah
Yes, I am sure,
That was the very last time.
Watching Julie and Julia
Of course I think of him and when we saw the movie together in theater, how in love we were and how much we liked the movie and the relationships in the movie,
Taking a break from my homework to watch some of it, I start to figure the words that have been stirring in me for a few days now.
I know what it was that I required.
After everything that happened with us, after all the mixed feelings and assumptions and choices made,
There was something I desperately needed,
From the man that in every molecule of my naive brain I believed was all mine and created for me,
That I confessed everything to,
I needed to be told,
Maybe they are frivolous or unreasonable, but I wanted to hear them said to me.
I wanted to hear from my lover’s mouth that
I would be missed
I am so special
I can’t be imagined making someone else happy
I had the good stuff
To tell me that you just couldn’t believe we didn’t make it.
I wanted to hear you tell me that you were sorry, that it was hurting you so bad to lose me.
Maybe I knew a little that you were sad to lose me, and you said once ‘we should have made it’
But while I cried my eyes out, and did every possible thing to make you see that I was still holding on to what I had, my idea of us, my belief in us, I hid nothing, I was vulnerable and shameless, even though it seemed hopeless,
I was still there for you.
To help you through the breakup.
I made it so easy for you.
All you had to do was take in my compliments my yearning my lustful and emotional longing for a never ending romantical journey with you,
All you had to do was watch me squirm, so you could feel good and stable and realize your self worth and your talents.
I was kissing my kings feet because I was loyal to my king
But my king kicked me in the mouth
And never kissed me again,
Never told me I was a good loyal peasant to him.
All I wanted was to be fought for.
If you would have, I’m not sure if we would have gotten back together, because maybe we really are meant to be apart,
But at least, I think, maybe I wouldn’t have lost my pride, my confidence, my security, my sense of reality.
I think having to deal with understanding that this person I thought I knew so well, was showing me that he was actually completely okay and excited about not being with me anymore, is what screwed with my brain. I didn’t want to accept that I actually did not know him at all.
It was the disappointment, the fact that I wasn’t being pined for, I wasn’t being fought for, when I thought I would be, that hurt.
I know now why I hurt so badly, it was because I wanted to know him, the him he wanted to be.
Simply to enjoy him.
Truthfully I tell you, I was never a fool in love, but love made a fool out of me.
It was me who desired freedom early on, it was me who was impure and jealous,
But my heart was filled full for you, for me and you.
I would have done anything to make you love me again,
But the one thing I didn’t do was ignore you and push you away.
Maybe if I would have done that, you would have felt something else, some type of discomfort.
I could go on and on, I write so much about it, but really what’s done is done.
I learned about living in comfortable misery in psychology class this week,
I realized then that I was a victim, when I thought I was doing the right thing by hanging on because the thought of someone else loving me so innocently and deeply disgusted me, because I was so intertwined with one person already, I thought I couldn’t start over.
So used to the comfortable misery of you not meeting my expectations and of me taking for granted the resources of being in a relationship.
But I see now the benefits of my current situation, my freedom.
I have to tell myself now right here that
Damn, I am fucking awesome.
I have what it takes,
I am going far in life.
This isn’t going to effect me negatively anymore.
I have control and power and wisdom.
I love myself and I deserve true love.
There is nothing else to say here.
Ahhh who is reading this???
I feel kinda good. It’s Saturday night and I’m single and I have somewhere to go tonight with friends that think I’m hilarious.
I’m good at being dramatic, only because I really do feel things so intensely,
But I feel pretty chill right now.
Hmpffff
Wow. So this is what closure feels like.
We were so in love that fall and winter… How could we have ended in the spring time? Why are we not still in love? I love you T. So mucH. You’re my baby, my sweetheart. I’m crying I’m dying without your love. Oh why do I require it so, why do I crave you? I am not who I thought I was. We are not what we thought we’d be. I only wanted your love. But I am without you now, and your love is all gone for me. It must be this way, it is this way. I have to, HAVE TO focus on Me. I am dammit. Silly me, I keep on crying alone on walks or in dimly lit rooms. There’s nothing I can say or that can be said to me. I miss you so deeply, your essence lingers in so many places around and within me. I’m hardly able to juggle who I am, my social life and personal life toss me perpendicularly. My rhythm is gone, my nest has fallen out of the tree. I wanna hug your tree. It’s almost autumn again, how time flies by, things change… Like the leaves, all the leaves on all the trees. (I can’t even think about the previous sentence without crying, aching to belong to you again) I am changing, feelings will change. You have your life, I have my own. I’m struggling, but I’m striving to understand what makes a woman, a great woman. I want to be a complete and great woman for myself. Stronger; I never thought it’d be me sulking this long, this intensely. I always thought I’d be the heartbreaker. I may break some hearts this fall though, it’s walking season and I’ve never walked with anyone else, been linked together all snug with anyone else before. Never smelled the neck of any other beautiful man, never fucked in the woods with anyone but this one lover. But my one and only remembered that he was a young attractive man and wanted to explore. My eyes are widening, I’m uncomfortable. I want to explore too..not really though. I am in two - li li - soon I should become whole, a great woman. It might happen a little later than this autumn however. I’m still currently hovering between who I am and who I want to become. Still wishing I had the power to win back your love and make you happy. Who am I? This is me. but I gotta shut up. It’s about my happiness. It’s all about me. I am tonight’s special.
I’m still waking up at exactly 7am every morning
With the early sunlight reminding me to think of you
I still find myself missing your *eyes start to water… I can’t finish my sentence*
I’ve found that it’s easier to keep myself from thinking of what I miss
About you
Instead think of what I’m gaining
As soon as I do that my energy goes up and I don’t cry or feel sad
Time is healing my heart
I am actually able to see other people now
When at first everyone was just a blur
Now there are new faces and personalities to get to know
Making me feel like someone so fresh
I am fascinating and interesting
My qualities are rare and special
Music sounds so good
Scents smell so good
The wind feels so good
I’m all me
I feel like me
*eyes begin to glaze just at the mere millisecond of a thought of how I wish you could meet me again*
But time is healing me
Recreating me
I am becoming
The world is becoming
All around me
There’s no reason to cry
What tears may be inside my eyes but haven’t fallen
While composing this,
Those are meant for you
Have them, they fall for your soul,
Pouring out of mine wishing to belong again in your arms,
Only my tears say those things.
But my smile is all mine
And it says belong to yourself.
I’m looking at my creamy reflection
Holding my self with my arms,
Allowing the flow to carry me along.
Healing with time.
