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Dünne Blume

~Here I am!~   I am becoming what I already am; consciousness

Dream Revelation

I had an amazing dream last night, in which I resolved a deep conflict concerning my past. 

The end of my dream was a scene where I was swinging while looking up at tree branches against a dusk sky. 

I awoke so soothed, so renewed and overcome with peace of mind.

I had such trouble falling to sleep last night, but I slept well into the morning with ease, since I am off work today. This happened at perfect timing. I am relaxed now…. feeling like a chapter of my life has finally been closed. I’ve finally been allowed to get over something that bothered me for over 2 years.

I feel so much healthier. My spirit was set free in dream… I have forgiven wholeheartedly. I should not feel depressed anymore about what once did and did not exist; I have revealed to myself the truth and reason for all the pain I felt. I am not in pain anymore. I am now able to fully accept new love in my life. I can enjoy what I am learning. I understand myself.

I am ready for Alaska :) 

— 1 month ago
#dream  #revelation  #happiness  #love  #balance  #peace  #forgive  #healthy 

I love this song by Oliver Shanti

— 4 months ago
#music  #love  #beautiful 
This City →

Finally put my music on Youtube 

— 5 months ago with 1 note
#music  #song  #memphis  #acoustic  #guitar  #voice  #women  #anthem  #love  #pain 

still so disgusting to me

why the fuck does it keep popping up in my dreams

the evidence, the messages, the feed

it’s like waking up and feeling sick, after sleeping 8 hours, only to remember something that doesn’t exist

being angry for nothing, treating myself to the pain

not able to eat breakfast because of it

because of what?

I have no appetite

what has he been eating

we used to tell each other simple things like that

get the fuck out of my head

it’s still in my head

what’s the use forcing it to go, when it won’t

even when my genotype replicates, pieces of pisces will linger

with no care in the world for me

only there to torture

and to claim me

first, I was the first, the first, number 1 

guilt trips, this isn’t that

no such thing

there is no one

this pain is the most unreal thing the realest thing that’s happened to me

it’s hiding always, always emerging when I don’t expect it

to mock me

to throw me for a loop

again

I go through the process, a different process, the same process

never changes

always changing

getting better

getting worse

crying again

not crying

having sex with someone else, not feeling anything

not feeling anything

not feeling anything

feeling everything

feeling all of this

and teaching myself

what is significant

biology

my studies

I’m studying myself

this is me

who am I

I was dead when I was born

I don’t remember coming alive

maybe I’m not

right now, I’m not in control

my cells are

the order of the matrix inside all organisms

humans evolved from plants

plants evolved from prokaryotic bacteria in water

early life

look at it now

this is our world

this is my world

I shared it

and it was stolen

and I’ve found it, laying in the dust, underneath the rocks

picking it back up, holding it to my chest

the knowledge takes its place

in me

and I grow

and I hurt

and I laugh

and I moan

and I whisper

to myself all the things I understand and don’t,

I don’t recognize myself recognizing myself

chemical reaction

heartbeat

freedom

molecular energy.

who could of guessed, this path, this one, 

my path

my eyes can’t see it 

how do I see it in my dreams?

we don’t know what really matters 

on Earth

distractions 

materialism

image

ego

we don’t use our entire brains 

but when we sleep

something else happens

showing us our insides

showing me a truth 

webs of preconceptions 

spinning plans un carried out

rewards un given

unforgiven treasures tied to like weights drowning me

I seek unintentionally, I find cruelty baring the burden to accept

why hasn’t my entirety let go of the notion

the obsession the resentment the broken bond

what is left?

so much more 

love

— 5 months ago
#random  #fit  #of  #words  #thoughts  #pains  #old  #new  #love 
I seen it (Memphis inspired)

bc facebook made me do it:

I seen how we were after the first 2 years being together. We hardly saw each other then and were crazy about each other. Then the next 2 years we spent having sex and spending lots of time together. I seen just how I used to talk to you and reading it back, I don’t like it at all. I don’t even know who I was then. What was important to me. I seen the way you talked to me and how we were actually not getting along in this weird way, we didn’t get each other. We had it so good for a while, but into year 4 we smoked too much weed and started bickering, and I succumbed to jealousy, dissatisfaction & infatuation. Too much dependence, the way I fell into you was flawed, I pushed for reassurance and began my in-denial. I was harsh to you, and then I was too sweet to you. You didn’t take me seriously anymore because I’d become this other thing, this weight, this drain of energy, that I didn’t even mean to become and didn’t know how to come back from. All we had was built up history. All I knew was how I could never lose you. It wasn’t a possibility for me, even when I asked myself if I really wanted your last name. How could I be Lili Whiteside, how would our match work, we were nothing but first loves. I was immature to think otherwise. Still I carried out this notion that you’d come back to me because my love was so strong. I was wrong. We made it last for almost 6 years, at least I have. It’s been so long and I still have to help myself get over it. And now, I seen it for myself, it’s right there in our facebook history since October 2008. Here I am still not able to fully comprehend the fact that you told me you’re moving on. How come I have to feel this way and not you? My crying is a joke to you, and for my own health, I can’t blame you for completely going away. You don’t want to even update all the virtual sites I can see you on, maybe you think you’re doing me a favor, but I think you’re being cruel. But I don’t understand selfishness, I can’t grasp lack of compassion. I seen it now, 15 year old me, 21 year old me. How is change and staying the same possible? Through love. Only love.

I’m not able to give another the same love as I gave you, but love comes from only one place, and I will love someone the same again one day.

I’ve had more reason to yearn for the past than you though, more reason to feel inadequate. I gave you that ego that you used against me. It tears me up. Just eats at me. How well off you left me while I crumbled and destroyed my body. I made the bad decisions.  I was the wild, the tamed, the controlling one, and somehow we both just broke apart, clean cut, and were given no chance to mend. It was over a long time ago, so over, and we both knew it. What am I still holding on to? How can I possibly miss you. What we had when we first met is ruined, and all the journals do nothing but torment me and make me feel this immense guilt and disgust. That is the worst thing I can do to myself, and still, I take out the letters and cry and cry and cry. It’s so bad for my entire being, to wonder who you’re writing to now, and how come you have no words at all for me. I have so many words for you. Why do they seem so sad? Why can’t I be simple and smiley with you? All these intense thoughts instead.
Remember me by my laughter,  not my tears. I cried because I didn’t understand myself, didn’t know how to act, how to cope, how to show you. I felt so empty, I remember vividly the last time you slept over with me. The way you looked in the pictures, I seen it, you were so unhappy with me. How did it get that way? I have to stop making excuses, figuring out how it maybe might work out one day. It’s no good to do that. I know this. …but the idea is so engrained. I loathe how much pride I took in being your girlfriend. It took something away from me that I’m fighting to get back now. 

 After everything, it’s me, this is my journey, my soul, my universe, my love. You are not the source, you are not meant to comfort me. I have to comfort myself. There is so much more to put my energy into, so much I have learned and can use to my advantage, if I just let myself. Happiness comes so unexpectedly, it just smacks you on the ass and then gropes you, then like an orgasm, it spreads pleasure through all your molecules… *sigh speaking of orgasms, those are great to give yourself when you’re depressed. Anyways, when I write I always start sadder than when finished. I know I’m nearing the end. I know I will be okay. I seen now that there ain’t nothing to be ashamed of. Nope. Nothin. 
 After all these words, I still have more for you. 

For now, it’ll go into my music. You won’t need to have seen me to know, just listen to me and believe that I’m fully aware of what I deserve. I seen it, and it looks nice. It isn’t here in Memphis either. Keeping my eyes open. 

— 5 months ago with 1 note
#words  #thoughts  #inspire  #love  #heartbreak  #pain  #growth  #change  #happiness  #comfortbable  #misery  #get  #out  #open  #eyes  #see  #it 

I still struggle with this.
The discomfort reminds me.

It makes me cry, I feel sick…and the medication leaves me dry and gloomy

What I would do to be given back my purity, to be healed and to still be able to make love to the one my heart aches for.
oh so dramatic…my focus is off…I cannot wonder about the blurs.

It is this way, not that, I have to widen my view,
and what can i do, but hold close the things that do bring me joy,
even when my body is in pain and unable to satisfy,
I can attempt to satisfy my spirit, by forgiving myself and accepting the flaw.

I have no desire to be touched by any hand, only by any heart, to be respected as a women and a lover. Sex is not an action of only the flesh, for me it is of the subconscious.
I can remember the act when it was beautiful and exhilarating, also when it was disgusting and humiliating. Being in between is unsettling..I am not carefree anymore, I am deeply hardened from experiences that have proven to me aspects I never knew about men, never once realized how much I’d taken for granted until I let myself be used as a hole for diseases to enter inside. I always took such good care of myself, but there is no way to clean away the damage from being unprotected and misguided. But I am to blame, not him, not him, not him. ‘The secret’ does not define me, I’ve handled myself well so far, I am still learning to create an abundance of positive energy within and around me. It’s difficult right now in this moment however, only because I’m allowing the stress to overwhelm me. 

I have learned from the consequences of my senselessness and desperation, I am not lonelier now than when I was more innocent. Now I am able to see the disease as a gift, a cause for deeper inner fulfillment and awareness, more so than a curse that prohibits me.


Still the struggle to find peace continues, and I torture myself by wishing I could of taken better care of myself and not given my body away in order to feel powerful.
Things are so different now, I’m not the same physically.
But my soul is forever tied to my first love, and in remembrance of this love, I find comfort, along with a sincere fear of future denial…only due to my illness, which I never want to be responsible for transmitting.
If only I could make love to him without my body; the pleasure is ancient sacred writing to me, it is a past life experience, it is a metaphysical state of mind that I acted upon so lightly and effortlessly with a one separate body that mine had grown to fit into and be made into and to bring life into.
This is no more.

I cry and cry because I pity myself, I feel undeserving of my punishment, I cannot accept that there is no cure. But I am patient and open to growth. I love myself more than ever right now and am obtaining fulfillment, I do not feel weak or abandoned. I chose this path. 

And so I walk alone into October, my orbs take in old scenery as new, images of leafless trees, the season I fell as easily as the leaves,  in love with him. I still am loyal to this familiar warmth, but I am not absorbed or deluded, I’m not escaping reality or hindering my destiny from unfolding. I am simply still in love with an essence that was established during a time in my life when I was truly happy. This doesn’t mean I am unhappy now, honestly I have found inner bliss, a source of joy that cannot be taken away as the presence of a human can be. Though I’ve determined this essence is something I will carry on until I die, I do not let it stop me from adding more onto my back. Still, I do not rely solely on external forces of joy, I look to nature and the universe for wisdom and reassurance. My contentment is only interrupted when I focus too much on my physical pain instead of my mental strength. 

Otherwise, I do not struggle to keep myself in good health.
What is life without struggle though?
I am so much more mature from it now. 

yeah yeah yeah… just lil ol me talkin up a storm, oh but thunder makes me kinda horny. 

ha…. I’m crazy ya’ll don’t mind me. Just needed to get all of that out so I could look at it from a different perspective. 

I feel better after writing. 

— 6 months ago
#lots  #to  #say  #but  #it's  #nothing  #really  #just  #words  #thoughts  #memories  #self  #help  #love  #struggle  #pain  #happiness  #wisdom  #poetry 

I remember that time I didn’t answer your phone calls when you were in Kentucky that week in the summer.
I remember the last time you wanted to wrap your arms around me and sit with me on my bed, I had a bite mark on my back.
The way I feel when I think about it now, it doesn’t seem real, I want it to not be so, why oh what the fuck did I do.

I knew what I’d done was wrong the moments they were happening.
I know exactly when it broke & what I did to break it further.
If it weren’t for my harsh and detrimental behavior, I’m sure we would have been able to break up without such extremes & oppression. I could have done such a better job at handling my inner & outer conflicts instead of fermenting them & causing so much pain & passive aggression to consume my personality & character.
I’m such an awkward person, most of the time now, I’m a hermit & rebel & I want to explore the world.
I understand that what’s done is done. I’m still doing and doing more. I’m not nostalgic, but I recognize these moments that I had chosen bad choices & used the wrong methods, spoke brutally, pushing you away. You did love me and want me, you worried about me, you cared for me, were patient, kind, honest, and you wanted the best for me.
This is all I know.
But I’m getting to know so much more, and the more I know the more I become.

If I still long for you in 11 years as I still long for you now, will it mean anything to you?
I can only leave this an open question, I’d fill in all the ‘but what if’s myself, I’m no dope, I can handle the cold hard ugly truth, I can build up from ruins.
Nothing will stop me,

I promise to …..
Promise nothing.

— 10 months ago
#4am  #thoughts  #lost  #love  #letter 

Salty dish water,
I answer the question for you: No
Do you still think of me?


My soul is lost in a lapse of time, a place of false hope,
a bliss where we belong and our love is still alive.

My heart beats in this way that lets me hold my breath,
If I am vigilant, I die little deaths,
becoming more aware that my body remains, while I am alive in my wandering mind, a dream

Where my soul has already found solace in a death, my body cries for.

— 10 months ago
#lost  #love  #letter  #death 

there’s a greater distance between us than any lengths apart on this earth. we have nothing but our own twisted perceptions of the truth, and there is no truth. My love is gone but my love is not gone.

— 10 months ago
#lost  #sleep  #thoughts  #love 

Watching porn…so horny
:|
Not..
But really I am. Just don’t have any thing that’s gettin me off. Sex is repulsive in a way…I’m traumatized still & don’t exactly know what to do with my fits of hormonal chemical releases or whatever.. Only thing that I can think of to turn myself on is my shower head. No seriously I do have a fantasy some sort of man, his skin is the color if sand, a bulky lean figure, chiseled shoulders, curly hair, strong jaw line and nose, ocean eyes, wrinkles from smiling, a serious look in his lips, tree hands, quick feet, a slight gap, a pink tongue, soft scruff, an icy cold aroma, a deep blue aura, and a large thick veiny cock.. the color of wet sand with the tip dipped in cream. Yep ok I’m horny. Really sleepy too it’s almost 3am. I can sleep in tomorrow though. Don’t really wanna. I like getting up a sunrise.. Just to have a long day. I can never find the ending of a day, they all seem to slip into eachother, just like in my fantasy, on top of this figure pop pop poppin, feeling pure & in full bloom. Just wanna have sex again one day.. It’s just so hard to ignore though, my brain just won’t let people click with me anymore, I don’t want anyone in me. So I’ll just touch myself. Sweet dreams

— 10 months ago with 1 note
#horny  #thoughts  #personal  #note  #lost  #love  #letter 
Volcano

I could be angry, I could be fire mad, you don’t understand me, the reasons why I’m so sad. The land I’ve lived on has burned to ashes, I’ve exploded… always feeling too much, all the words I’ve gushed, and you have no reply, only that I should be comforted by your refusal of my hand and desire to no longer be mine. How come it was so easy for you to take your life back when I’ve struggled to, you said you tried your best, found inner happiness and left all we had behind, on to something better you say, try to tell me to think the same way, but I just won’t believe it ..we are not meant to be, but it’s sinking in, I’ve suffered enough, tortured and damaged myself in the process, given myself away, I cannot hide from my pain, but you choose to go blind when I face you with it, you want nothing to do with me now, I’ve been denied, something has been stolen, I’ve lost control and feel so bitter numb and broken, how can you just smile? Life isn’t over I know, though we are, all this energy I must dissolve. The world is calling, I must explore, cannot dwell on my flaws, wonder who has taken my place in your heart or why we aren’t right anymore, you have your path and I’ll take mine, this is where we’ve drawn the line. I see you in the distance a faint figure of my imagination, of a man that was once so real to me, I must resist the urge to run after your mirage because you’ll only pick up your pace and disappear as I near, this is not my place, nothing being given from you to me, oh how empty you keep me, need to stand still and decide my next move because now I cannot ignore how bad you’ve treated me. This is my life, this is who I am, I’m so much more than a long sad message, you have to remember who I was before, I was so sweet to you and wanted nothing more, now I know my tears have all been in vain, nothing makes you sway, and oh I could be so angry so fire mad, I could burn a hole through my very soul but it wouldn’t prove a thing to you, it’s all a joke, dramatic and exhausting, not worth the trouble I see, you figured out exactly how to make me feel forgotten, and when I look to all the years of growing into you, how it all went rotten, I get so angry I get so fire mad, I’ve fought alone all this time for our love, it was only me that needed it, my love has been dissipated, turned to toxic waste, but I must breathe it in, I have to be stronger than this; your philosophy abandons me, contentment is the only revenge; there’s no such thing as a ‘better’ life or pleasure in forever, but I’ve learned in my idleness, that attitude is where perspective derives from, so I am not angry no I’m not fire mad, all that has erupted and melted will cool with time, becoming molted rock on which the land will be revived, it will grow back again, so will I.

— 10 months ago with 1 note
#lyrics  #personal  #lost  #love  #letter 

Up til 3am again
I opened that box for the first time in a long time tonight after our conversation yesterday, and I put on your promise ring and I cried again when I looked at all your letters and the pressed clovers and the photographs that you had developed that hung on my wall for years. I lost my balance for a moment but soon came to, it happens much quicker now- my contentment.
It’s pointless to keep torturing myself with wondering how I lost such a person.
I should be glad you did love me whole heartedly once, and you did belong to me. I am glad.
You told me you would never love a person again because it will limit you…in a way that frightened me but also flattered me. I see your philosophy, it makes sense, it could be very accurate. But I don’t believe you really, I do think you will fall in love again with a person. I just want that person to be me. Silly to crave a position that you may think isn’t fitting. But I don’t accept it, my love has proven stronger-it is right for you.
You’re hiding from me through your philosophy, your united state of mind, you’ve shut my love out, want nothing that I have to offer.. I do not blame you, I want you to focus. I have so much to give though, to myself and to my lover- a life time of loyalty, admiration, encouragement, FUN! & my womanness desires only one man destined for greatness-you. We would have fun getting to know eachother again one day, our clever heads bouncing off the other like never before, never with any one else. You and I are compatible.
So I’ve settled it in my weary mind… I’m through with being jealous-that truly is my deepest issue-my horrible green eye to all the girls who get to enjoy your humor, style, scent, your hands… Oh it was you all along, I always knew I could never let my heart lose it’s grip on you. But I know my worth, I will not let another woman make me feel worthless, I know I am the best I can be. & You deserve me. I have to make you see some how that I am fine without you, I can flourish without you, however, I want you to see also that I’d let you rule your own world, you would be free in your passions our passion together and you would have me as your woman, there to seduce you & challenge you. I want to imagine it and fantasize about our laughter, our children. I’m screwed up regardless, twisted from a youth devoted to you and my dreams of the future that once seemed so stable. I still enjoy my fantasy more than reality. But It won’t matter if none of it comes true, because then that’ll just mean I will be proven wrong in the most glorious way-to be found instead of to find, you. I’m ready to let fate take over. I don’t wanna go lookin for you baby, though irony keeps making a fool out if me, I chase after you. I want you to come find me. One day again. Come back to me into my arms let me hold you and stroke you, let me kiss you and suck you, I want to, I want to be the one you can trust with your heart- don’t be scared, you won’t lose yourself in me.. I won’t lose myself in you. We’ve done that already and it hurt us both and we didn’t realize what we were doing over the years, oh but now NOW it’s all different and I’ve grown even more in love with you, my fantasy.. I sound insane don’t I? Kinda pathetic and romantic… It doesn’t win you over though, you’ve built a stone wall to keep me out. But I’m always sincere, I’m being honest, you told me I was pure. I want to sneak back into you. My love for you is pure and real. It is the most dangerous and captivating thing- I have this hope, and it calms me…like ice on a feverish head, I’m so hot for you, and you know how to cool me, you’re so smooth you’re so gentle, you are kind and I know you do love me for telling you how I feel. I want you to know, I cannot hide it and if I tried to it would ruin me. I have faith in us still, it shimmers across my eyes like sun rays on a pond, glistening ripples of reflected light, I am the water and you dance on me, my only sunshine.
I am not remembering you anymore, because the new you is far more interesting to illustrate in my mind. I have a figure I can touch in my sleep, he yearns for my lips and he feels my body moving, he breathes me in and he smells my hair. He picks me up in his arms and carries me up towards the moon and stars, he tells me I’m his gem and he loves me, as a person, he sees who I am without him and it makes him proud to know my soul is connected to his in such a way that sets us free.
I go on and on, so many ideas…
I melt at your feet and you step right on me..just walk right over me.. It’s the worst feeling… But I excuse you as I evaporate and pour myself back over you in hopes I’ll drench you with new knowledge, so you’ll finally stop taking me for granted. (Oh so sappy uhg )
But there is no force of power in this all, what I’ve said is all out of unconditional & wishfully tamed love for you. You must take me.. We must proceed with our paths in life. I don’t feel empty anymore, I feel confident and humbled.
I understand. I’m happy for myself. I have it all in me, I am full of energy & pulse, I am my own being. It’s simple how I feel about everything - I want to smile with and without you. Smile at me now as you read.
There goes my baaayyybeee oo there he go … I know it’s you. It’s gotta be me & you.
But another part of me says don’t you dare say such a thing, something that only the universe knows, I will never know exactly what it is that splits me this way.. I just know I love you from the deepest depths of my entire essence, you are my first love, you are engraved into my skin. I want to belong to myself first but I want to belong to you too; why not, why not?
I won’t settle for anything less than how I feel when I write your name: Travis Lamont - I know that name
And now you call yourself ‘H’
My middle initial.. - you know my name. We’re the originals, We should make it in the end. I will sleep peacefully now… Though we’re drifting away from eachother.. Oh *sigh but the earth is round and we’re bound to crash our ships and sink together.. But then again the ocean is vast, we might sail right past the other with our sails set on different currents… But it brings me peace to understand the balance now… And I can finally sleep.

— 11 months ago
#lost  #love  #letter 

I am totally unhappy

so unhappy,


I’ve reminded myself

There is nothing
There is no hope

And I’m totally
empty…

— 1 year ago with 2 notes
#lost  #love  #letter