It’s so silent here,
I feel so sick to my stomach,
Drinking hot tea and petting my lab, he knows I’m upset.
I can’t believe your hubris - you think you’re so thoughtful, to ask me if I’m doing well, now, I don’t need to hear from you; making a mockery of my loneliness by invading the space you pushed me into apart from you.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
I clench my jaw and squeeze my eyes shut,
I don’t want to cry over you anymore,
You heartless bastard, I gave you all my love.
And what did you do with it?
You lost it all around the city, in sidewalk cracks and broken glass bottles, scattered among piles of fallen leaves,
I find pieces of it in reflected light, in shadows cast from trees,
Stinging my lips - forlorn blown kisses, still floating in the biting wind, that never found their way to your mouth.
Instead I tie them to rocks, throw them into the water and let them sink,
I let the river bed collect all my gifts, you never deserved to be given.
All the poetry we wrote, after 4 years,
Turned to ash in 4 minutes.
I’ve never hated myself so much,
To know how much I’ve wasted from calling myself yours.
No, you will never understand what you’ve done to me, because you never once held my crying face in your shaking palms, to bring my eyes up into yours and tell me you loved me deeply; no never with tenderness did you tell me you belonged to me.
I was a flower you picked and smelled, then threw to the ground.
You left me to rot, or to flourish.
To care for yourself and your items, to remake yourself.
Once, you told me you’d never deny me - that was your greatest lie.
I know you remember, how I used to love you so dearly, can you still feel my enraptured body? Oh how I thought we fit so well together; and I hope this burns through your thick skull.
I am better without you, though I will never be as good as I once was, when I was with you… I am aware.
I am not as delusional, the pain has molded me, made me a gem.
I am not starting over, my name will not change.
But you have no clue who I am, and I do not want you to ever know me again.
It has to be this way.