Showing posts tagged strength.

Dünne Blume

~Here I am!~   I am becoming more of what I already am; consciousness

It’s so silent here,
I feel so sick to my stomach,
Drinking hot tea and petting my lab, he knows I’m upset.
I can’t believe your hubris - you think you’re so thoughtful, to ask me if I’m doing well, now, I don’t need to hear from you; making a mockery of my loneliness by invading the space you pushed me into apart from you.

I clench my jaw and squeeze my eyes shut,
I don’t want to cry over you anymore,
You heartless bastard, I gave you all my love.
And what did you do with it?
You lost it all around the city, in sidewalk cracks and broken glass bottles, scattered among piles of fallen leaves,
I find pieces of it in reflected light, in shadows cast from trees,
Stinging my lips - forlorn blown kisses, still floating in the biting wind, that never found their way to your mouth.
Instead I tie them to rocks, throw them into the water and let them sink,
I let the river bed collect all my gifts, you never deserved to be given.

All the poetry we wrote, after 4 years,
Turned to ash in 4 minutes.

I’ve never hated myself so much,
To know how much I’ve wasted from calling myself yours.

No, you will never understand what you’ve done to me, because you never once held my crying face in your shaking palms, to bring my eyes up into yours and tell me you loved me deeply; no never with tenderness did you tell me you belonged to me.

I was a flower you picked and smelled, then threw to the ground.
You left me to rot, or to flourish.
To care for yourself and your items, to remake yourself.

Once, you told me you’d never deny me - that was your greatest lie.
I know you remember, how I used to love you so dearly, can you still feel my enraptured body? Oh how I thought we fit so well together; and I hope this burns through your thick skull.

I am better without you, though I will never be as good as I once was, when I was with you… I am aware.
I am not as delusional, the pain has molded me, made me a gem.
I am not starting over, my name will not change.
But you have no clue who I am, and I do not want you to ever know me again.

It has to be this way.

— 1 year ago with 1 note
#lost  #love  #heartache  #pain  #anger  #words  #poetry  #life  #bitter  #strength  #power  #girls  #lili  #flower  #woman  #growth 

Watching Julie and Julia
Of course I think of him and when we saw the movie together in theater, how in love we were and how much we liked the movie and the relationships in the movie,
Taking a break from my homework to watch some of it, I start to figure the words that have been stirring in me for a few days now.
I know what it was that I required.
After everything that happened with us, after all the mixed feelings and assumptions and choices made,
There was something I desperately needed,
From the man that in every molecule of my naive brain I believed was all mine and created for me,
That I confessed everything to,
I needed to be told,
Maybe they are frivolous or unreasonable, but I wanted to hear them said to me.
I wanted to hear from my lover’s mouth that
I would be missed
I am so special
I can’t be imagined making someone else happy
I had the good stuff
To tell me that you just couldn’t believe we didn’t make it.
I wanted to hear you tell me that you were sorry, that it was hurting you so bad to lose me.
Maybe I knew a little that you were sad to lose me, and you said once ‘we should have made it’
But while I cried my eyes out, and did every possible thing to make you see that I was still holding on to what I had, my idea of us, my belief in us, I hid nothing, I was vulnerable and shameless, even though it seemed hopeless,
I was still there for you.
To help you through the breakup.
I made it so easy for you.
All you had to do was take in my compliments my yearning my lustful and emotional longing for a never ending romantical journey with you,
All you had to do was watch me squirm, so you could feel good and stable and realize your self worth and your talents.
I was kissing my kings feet because I was loyal to my king
But my king kicked me in the mouth
And never kissed me again,
Never told me I was a good loyal peasant to him.
All I wanted was to be fought for.
If you would have, I’m not sure if we would have gotten back together, because maybe we really are meant to be apart,
But at least, I think, maybe I wouldn’t have lost my pride, my confidence, my security, my sense of reality.
I think having to deal with understanding that this person I thought I knew so well, was showing me that he was actually completely okay and excited about not being with me anymore, is what screwed with my brain. I didn’t want to accept that I actually did not know him at all.
It was the disappointment, the fact that I wasn’t being pined for, I wasn’t being fought for, when I thought I would be, that hurt. I know now why I hurt so badly, it was because I wanted to know him, the him he wanted to be.
Simply to enjoy him.
Truthfully I tell you, I was never a fool in love, but love made a fool out of me.
It was me who desired freedom early on, it was me who was impure and jealous,
But my heart was filled full for you, for me and you.
I would have done anything to make you love me again,
But the one thing I didn’t do was ignore you and push you away.
Maybe if I would have done that, you would have felt something else, some type of discomfort.
I could go on and on, I write so much about it, but really what’s done is done.
I learned about living in comfortable misery in psychology class this week,
I realized then that I was a victim, when I thought I was doing the right thing by hanging on because the thought of someone else loving me so innocently and deeply disgusted me, because I was so intertwined with one person already, I thought I couldn’t start over.
So used to the comfortable misery of you not meeting my expectations and of me taking for granted the resources of being in a relationship.
But I see now the benefits of my current situation, my freedom.
I have to tell myself now right here that
Damn, I am fucking awesome.
I have what it takes,
I am going far in life.
This isn’t going to effect me negatively anymore.
I have control and power and wisdom.
I love myself and I deserve true love.
There is nothing else to say here.
Ahhh who is reading this???
I feel kinda good. It’s Saturday night and I’m single and I have somewhere to go tonight with friends that think I’m hilarious.
I’m good at being dramatic, only because I really do feel things so intensely,
But I feel pretty chill right now.
Wow. So this is what closure feels like.

— 2 years ago
#closure  #love  #life  #heartache  #strength  #healing 
What I spent the morning making for myself.

What I spent the morning making for myself.

— 2 years ago
#faith  #forgiveness  #focus  #strength  #self  #love  #power  #life  #help 
It’s still only Day 4

On top of this pain
I get my dot
That explains why my hormones were so outta whack yesterday evening.
Aw man
God knows I’m a strong woman.
I can handle anything.
Lemme eat this chicken noodle soup, sip on some hot tea, then nibble on some water melon.
I’ll be goin right back to beddy
Or maybe I’ll read another Glamour mag.
Bc I just took 3 pills and I can feel my body moving slower, getting drowsy again.
Cannot wait for this all to be over.
But I know it’s all for the best.
I can’t wait to sing again with my new throat!!! :)
I’m giggling inside my head.

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#recovery  #dot  #excuse  #pain  #strength  #giggle 
I know now
I am through with you.

I know now
I am through with you.

— 2 years ago
#fuck you  #travis  #heartbreaker  #shitty  #love  #growing  #strength  #hello